Making things taste like crap on purpose in not something the free market traditionally rewards unless it is popular-trendy “tastes like crap,” in which case all the finest people are buying it which encourages lesser mortals seeking aimlessly for some kind of identity to follow suit in the hope that they will become “better people” by association.

Loser 2: “Hey look, Chantelle puts blow-fish droppings on here arugula.”  Loser 3: “Wow, she is so hip.”

Into this confused world comes the Weight Watchers Basic Bagel, which I purchased not because I or anyone in my family is watching their weight, but because they were on sale.  How was I to know what would happen next?

When chicken is on sale is it because the expiration date is fast approaching.  Same with dairy, and a host of other grocery products, but having teenage boys is like having Zombies—all food is brains and they are always lurking about looking for prey so nothing stays around long enough to go bad unless it is bad already.  These bagels did not appear to be nearing their expiration date which failed to set off warning bells.  They are bagels.  How do you screw up bagels?  I have discovered the answer.  Weight Watchers basic bagel.  A bagel that no amount of toasting or spreads can fix.  A Bagel my teenage boys will not eat.

It’s not “I just puked a little bit in my mouth bad,” and it certainly isn’t Tom Hanks in the Movie Big, palming Beluga caviar off his tongue, but there was definitely something wrong as if it were missing a critical chromosome or molecule.

I’d liken it to the look on Gena Davis’ face as the character Veronica Quaife in the 1986 remake of The Fly.  She and Jeff Goldblum (Seth Brundle) have just tested his magnificent teleportation device on a steak.  This is after he has lured her with the word “cheeseburger” and then subsequently discovered that quirky scientists can use teleportation devices to get girls—which is only slightly harder than learning to do origami with little white cocktail napkins to get girls–but before he teaches his invention about flesh thanks to an intimate encounter with the girl ‘gotten’ by the quirky scientists teleportation device which (unfortunately for Seth) eventually turns him into Brundle-fly.

(Another morality play about scientists violating the laws of the universe for fun and profit. If someone had told him about global warming he’d be running NASA right now.)

He has cooked the steak, she has taken a bite, and squirreled up her face while simultaneously looking for a place to spit it back out.

What’s the problem?

“It’s just wrong.”

That is the best way to describe the flavor of the Weight Watchers basic bagel.  It is not really bad, It is just wrong.

So consider yourself warned.  These things are neither a bargain nor a pleasure, and if I may abuse one more movie quote in closing, in regard to these heinous things—this one from the original Crocodile Dundee movie, “well, you can live on it but it tastes like sh*t.”

Of course the people at Weight Watchers may have convinced people to buy something they can’t stomach.  They get paid, you will lose weight.  So maybe I am just being picky and these bastards are bloody brilliant.

Cross posted